A Girl's Guide to India!

Jeez guys, the homies at the Travel Channel are taking so super long to recognize my potential as their next travel show host… Ugh, don’t you just hate it when people don’t let you live your best life? So in an effort to idle away the time until stardom I have compiled “A Girl’s Guide to India”.

If you know me or my blog, you may already know that two years ago Tommy and I went to India for six weeks of so much of everything.

But real talk, if you know me even a little bit then you definitely already know that since I find it really, really hard to not talk about it.

See here and here… Also here and here for proof.

For me, it's like going to the moon and not talking about it – crazy. It is the single most amazing place that I have ever experienced. Of course I’m going to blab about it. I think that if I was a person that I hated then I would say something like “sorry, not sorry”.

For starters, India is a perfect example of why we are born with senses. With so much to see, hear, smell, taste and feel, the physical human experience is alight in India. So much so, that I kinda miss it, a lot. Even though it was two years ago, I still think about it often. I have travelled quite a bit (for a broke-ass person) and no place has hit me like India. That’s the thing – it fucking knocks you out. In the best possible way.

Other holidays kinda fade from my memory and exist like snow globes that I can shake every now and then and say “shucks that was nice!” But India stays with you forever and as cheddar-cheesy as it may sound, your life is better for it.

That being said, I wish that I had known a few things before we embarked on our Indian adventure. 

It is a good idea to plan. Well, who would have thunk it?!

This might seem super obvious but we’re not really planners (too much effort and stuff). So we arrived in India with six weeks ahead of us and only accommodation in Delhi organised and a flight to Leh. Big lols.

Once in Delhi, we promptly found a somewhat dodgy travel agent who booked the rest of our trip. So it wasn't really bad at all, but still. Also, the travel agent's office was so fucking hot (it was a thing, okay) and we missed out on visiting certain places simply because the travel agent wouldn't make any money from it. I really wanted to go to Pondicherry because of the Life of Pi, but the travel agent was like “nah bish” and booked us a multi-city tour starting in Delhi and ending in Fort Kochi. I wasn’t exactly unhappy, but I was naïve. I should have insisted on Pondicherry (and Jodhpur) but alas, now I just have to go back.

Pack tampons.

Before I went to India I thought that the retail experience was standardised. I thought that I could just run into an Indian version of Woolies or Clicks and that would be that. Well, like I say almost every day… I was really wrong. 

Shopping is weird. Like good weird, but weird. I never did find tampons but I stockpiled like the apocalypse was nigh so it was fine. Okay, disclaimer: I am definitely not saying that there are no tampons in India. Haha – why would I do that? I’m just saying that I couldn't find them.

Don’t be an asshole like me, don’t pack short anything.

Okay wait, you can. Go ahead! *whistles past* But you will be a social pariah. I know because my milky-white legs made me the belle of the ball and not in a fun way. 

Also, here's a good one: wear a bra. Jeez Louise! I dunno how my mind works sometimes. I mean, I was hot, like fucking disco-inferno hot. So naturally I thought that it would be a swell idea to go bra-less. Needless to say, it rained. Needless to say, I can't show you any photos except the above from the day that I LIVED MY DREAMS AND WENT TO THE TAJ MAHAL because I didn't wear a bra and my boobs are saying "hi" in every photo. 

Don’t take Tripadvisor etc. too seriously.

Sure, websites like the above can be informative and helpful. Also, they make for fun reading if you’re into terrible spelling and photos of sun burnt Brits. However, they also have a sneaky tendency to make everywhere in India sound like it sucks.

I remember once I was so angry at Tommy (he was super into Tripadvisor) because he innocently read a review of our hotel in Agra before we arrived. He then proceeded to inform me that we should be on the lookout for “excrement and blood” on the bed. I wasn't as angry at him as I was terrified of the bed when we checked in. After inspecting the bed and finding nothing it was still difficult to sleep easy with the double-disaster “excrement and blood” flashing in my mind.

Don’t become a sweaty pseudo celebrity like me.

So here’s a fun fact, in India, I was like hot-shit. People, namely men, wanted to take photos with me (a lot). Like they didn't even care that I was sweating like Hunter S. Thompson. At first I was okay with it, but then it descended to a weird, creepy-level that now makes me think that photos of me are crumpled up in someone’s spank bank. Also, not so fun for boyfriend. So yeah, just don’t do it.

Don’t wear makeup.

Granted, we went in summer so I can’t vouch for any other time of year or any person who has normal heat responses (sweating is an unfortunate pastime of mine). But still, I have never, ever been so flippin’ hot in my life. Makeup is a farce. The best you can do is tie a really, really tight pony-tail and edit those photos like it’s Kimye’s wedding. As you can see in the above photo, I was not joking about photo editing. Homie don't play that, yo! 

I'm thinking of doing A Girl's Guide to Paris and Ireland next. But it might take like a month. In related news, travel sponsorships are welcome! 

Chapati Nostalgia!

A year ago I was just chillin' with my home girls making chapatis in New Delhi. 

I think about the magic of India all the time, it is now my if-my-life-sucks escape plan. Basically, I think that the beautiful mess of India can accommodate any mess of a human being. 

Chocolate!

I used to think that the great love of chocolate was a part of the human condition. We laugh, we want to kiss those that we love and we want to eat chocolate. Then people like Tumelo started tutting about the blah-ness of chocolate and all kinds of nonsense...

Then in India I saw how chocolate isn't all that easy to find, it hides, it shrinks in size because people don't buy it... Snickers became like crack to me, I literally ate one (sometimes two) everyday... What?! It was hot, I needed sugar and salty peanuts enrobed in chocolate...

Then Holly dearest returned from Switzerland with a bunch of these classy specimens... I was a goner. This chocolate is amazing, terrible name aside, it's like a party in my mouth. 

Basically I love chocolate, not in that annoying all-women-love-cats-and-chocolate fridge magnet kinda way though. 

Leh!

I took this photo while we were in Leh, the sleepy lunar capital of Ladakh. 

It reminded me of the Ernest Hemingway flash of brilliance "For Sale, Baby Shoes, Never Worn". 

Determination!

Dashrath Majhi, also known as the Mountain Man.

Living in a rural village, Dashrath lost his beloved wife to illness when they were unable to get to the nearest hospital which was 70km's away.

Not wanting anyone else to suffer the same fate as his wife, he single-handedly carved a 360-foot-long, 25-foot-high and 30-foot-wide road by cutting through a mountain (!) in the Gehlour hills, working day and night for 22 years from 1960 to 1982. 

His feat reduced the distance between the Atri and Wazirganj blocks of the Gaya district from 75 km to 1 km. 

Agra Boxing Club!

We visited Agra with the sole purpose of seeing the Taj Mahal. 

We found this too.

Mumbai & Midnight!

One of my favourite things about Mumbai was the masses of books lining the streets.

I got Midnight's Children for R16! However, I discovered that the bargain price came with a price of its own as two pages were missing and worst of all the book ended on a comma with the last page missing! 

This was most distressing as I love the feeling of finishing a book and although I hate the ending of most books, being stuck on the plane wondering what happened is somewhat equally torturous. 

So last night I went to Exclusive and quickly read the last page which was a bit of an anti-climax. 

Overall, the book is amazing and I can't wait to watch the movie although I read that it is terrible.  

"To understand just one life, you have to swallow the world.” 

Suzy!

We watched Moonrise Kingdom in Mumbai. 

Seeking solace from the sun we searched the city for a cinema and discovered that in India the national anthem is played before the movie and intervals are standard issue..how else would you get your pizza slice and cup of tea?

Despite the struggle to find the elusive cinema, I'm glad that we went because Suzy and Sam are thee best couple ever and lawd knows that I love a great couple..

On top of that and perhaps more importantly, Miss Suzy Bishop is my fashion darling with knee high socks, collars and blue eye shadow to boot!

P.S. The bird scene is my favourite. 

What kind of bird are you? 

India!

Six weeks of India! September, I didn't even see you fly by! Is that November I see?! 

I can't believe that I've ticked that one off list.  

It was everything that I hoped that it would be and so much more. India managed to overwhelm, excite, frustrate and amuse me all at the same time.

I have included some of my favourite photos, this was a hard task given the fact that we took an Asian tourist worthy-450 photos, with countless photos of me being ridiculously unphotogenic being deleted and scorned. I would like to point out that I have neglected to include any pictures of my aforementioned boyfriend as he gets incredibly sour when he finds his handsome mug on my blog. So there. 

I missed blogging way too much to admit. But I'm glad to say that me and my bloggywog will be getting nice and cozy as Tommy and I get ready to jet off to the Emerald Isle.

2012 is turning out to be a cracker of a year and I can't wait to see the finale! 

Udaipur!

Tomorrow we will be in Udaipur, the so-called Venice of Rajastan (I'll believe it when I see it).

So far we have been pulled (sometimes forcefully) in all directions; from the ceaseless engine of Delhi to the moon-like surroundings of Leh where The Himalayas wave hello. We have ticked off the majestic Taj Mahal and skimmed the cool, unforgettable waters of the Ganges. We have seen that the Pink City of Jaipur is in fact more accurately described as the Orange-y City.

We've been amazed, vexed, amused, awed and enlightened.

We have tasted countless curries and drank highly questionable cups of 'milk tea'.

We have loved, learnt and fought and I wouldn't change a thing.

Here's to the next month of India! Namaste!

P.S. Askies for the poor photo selection, all pics will be revealed when we return.

India!

I wanna give the universe a big smooch. 

Tommy and I are about to embark on our Indian adventure and I'm so happy and grateful.

Sometimes, just sometimes, being an adult is the most wonderful thing.

The Princess of Jaipur!

Maharani Gayatri Devi, the princess of Jaipur, reportedly poured Shalimar perfume down the drains during her stay in a Delhi penitentiary in 1975.


Jailed for violating tax laws, the Maharani doused the pipes to relieve the jail of bad odours. 


The sweet scent was first created in 1921 by Guerlain in memory of another Indian princess, Mumtaz Mahal (for whom the Taj Mahal was erected). 

The Friday Triple

If you're a bird then I'm a bird! 

Bucket list meet Maharajas Express.

Denim on denim. Only for the brave. 

Happy Friday!